I’m not ashamed to say that I’ve lifted this article loch, scotch and haggis from the BBCs webpage - If the original works - why change it?

Ps - I’m quietly pleased with my Loch, Scotch and 2 Steaming Haggis phrase - it started out as a typo but now I’m considering selling it off as a working title for a film about the adventures that Robert Burns would have if he had be transported into the Eastend Gangland of the 1980s….Move Over Guy Ritchie and Vinnie Jones- the Bard is here!

Now back to reality - all you need to know about planning your own Burns supper - January 25th.

The Burns Supper is an institution of Scottish life: a night to celebrate the life and works of the national Bard. Suppers can range from an informal gathering of friends to a huge, formal dinner full of pomp and circumstance. This running order covers all the key elements you need to plan and structure a Burns Supper that suits your intentions.

• Piping in the guests

  A big-time Burns Night calls for a piper to welcome guests. If you don’t want all that baggage, some traditional music will do nicely. For more formal events, the audience should stand to welcome arriving guests: the piper plays until the high table is ready to be seated, at which point a round of applause is due. At a more egalitarian gathering - with no high table - the chair can simply bang on the table to draw attention to the start of the evening’s proceedings.

• Chairman’s welcome

  The Chair (host/organiser) warmly welcomes and introduces the assembled guests and the evening’s entertainment.

• The Selkirk Grace

  A short but important prayer read to usher in the meal, The Selkirk Grace is also known as Burns’s Grace at Kirkcudbright. Although the text is often printed in English, it is usually recited in Scots.

  Some hae meat and canna eat,
  And some wad eat that want it,
  But we hae meat and we can eat,
  And sae the Lord be thankit.

• Piping in the haggis

  Guests should normally stand to welcome the dinner’s star attraction, which should be delivered on a silver platter by a procession comprising the chef, the piper and the person who will address the Haggis. A whisky-bearer should also arrive to ensure the toasts are well lubricated.

  During the procession, guests clap in time to the music until the Haggis reaches its destination at the table. The music stops and everyone is seated in anticipation of the address To a Haggis.

• Address to the haggis

  The honoured reader now seizes their moment of glory by offering a fluent and entertaining rendition of To a Haggis. The reader should have his knife poised at the ready. On cue (His knife see Rustic-labour dight), he cuts the casing along its length, making sure to spill out some of the tasty gore within (trenching its gushing entrails).

  Warning: it is wise to have a small cut made in the haggis skin before it is piped in. Instances are recorded of top table guests being scalded by flying pieces of haggis when enthusiastic reciters omitted this precaution! Alternatively, the distribution of bits of haggis about the assembled company is regarded in some quarters as a part of the fun…

  The recital ends with the reader raising the haggis in triumph during the final line Gie her a haggis!, which the guests greet with rapturous applause.

• Toast to the haggis

  Prompted by the speaker, the audience now joins in the toast to the haggis. Raise a glass and shout: The haggis! Then it’s time to serve the main course with its traditional companions, neeps and tatties. In larger events, the piper leads a procession carrying the opened haggis out to the kitchen for serving; audience members should clap as the procession departs.

• The meal

  Served with some suitable background music, the sumptuous Bill o’ Fare includes:-

  • Starter

    Traditional cock-a-leekie soup;

  • Main course

    Haggis, neeps & tatties (Haggis wi’ bashit neeps an’ champit tatties);

  • Sweet

    Clootie Dumpling (a pudding prepared in a linen cloth or cloot) or Typsy Laird (a Scottish sherry trifle);

  • Cheeseboard with bannocks (oatcakes) and tea/coffee.

  Variations do exist: beef lovers can serve the haggis, neeps & tatties as a starter with roast beef or steak pie as the main dish. Vegetarians can of course choose vegetarian haggis, while pescatarians could opt for a seafood main course such as Cullen Skink.

• The drink

  Liberal lashings of wine or ale should be served with dinner and it’s often customary to douse the haggis with a splash of whisky sauce, which, with true Scots understatement, is neat whisky.

  After the meal, it’s time for connoisseurs to compare notes on the wonderful selection of malts served by the generous chair.

• The first entertainment

  The nervous first entertainer follows immediately after the meal. Often it will be a singer or musician performing Burns songs such as:-

  • My Luve is Like a Red Red Rose;
  • Rantin’, Rovin’ Robin;
  • John Anderson, my jo; or
  • Ae Fond Kiss, and Then We Sever.

  Alternatively it could be a moving recital of a Burns poem, with perennial preference for:-

  • Tam o’ Shanter;
  • Holy Willie’s Prayer;
  • To a Louse;
  • Address to the Unco Guid; or
  • For a’ that and a’ that.

• The immortal memory

  The keynote speaker takes the stage to deliver a spell-binding oratoration on the life of Robert Burns: his literary genius, his politics, his highs and lows, his human frailty and - most importantly - his nationalism. The speech must bridge the dangerous chasm between serious intent and sparkling wit, painting a colourful picture of Scotland’s beloved Bard.

  The speaker concludes with a heart-felt toast: To the Immortal Memory of Robert Burns!

• The second entertainment

  The chair introduces more celebration of Burns’ work, preferably a poem or song to complement the earlier entertainment.

• Toast to the Lassies

  The humorous highlight of any Burns Night comes in this toast, which is designed to praise the role of women in the world today. This should be done by selective quotation from Burns’s works and should build towards a positive note. Particular reference to those present makes for a more meaningful toast.

  The toast concludes: To the Lassies!

• The final entertainment

  The final course of the evening’s entertainment comprises more Burns readings.

• Reply to the Toast to the Lassies

  Revenge for the women present as they get their chance to reply.

• Vote of thanks

  The chair now climbs to his potentially unsteady feet to thank everyone who has contributed to a wonderful evening and to suggest that taxis will arrive shortly.

• Auld Lang Syne

  The chair closes the proceedings by inviting guests to stand and belt out a rousing rendition of Auld Lang Syne. The company joins hands and sings as one, having made sure to brush up on those difficult later lines.

Optional extras

These can slot into any part of the evening.

• Lost Burns manuscripts

  Some Burns Night suppers include a lost manuscript reading, where a participant with literary aspirations recites from a fictitious long-lost musing of the great man on a new subject.

• Quizzes and/or recitation competitions

  Involving the guests - instead of having them sit passively - is key to a fun and successful Burns night. Make up your own activities for best effect.

It may be Set a ‘wee’ bit further north then the Loch Ness area - but any tale which includes Cape Wrath, the Wall of Death and a Turkey has to be worth reading.

Couple separated over Christmas by snow finally reunited after 30 days
Daily Record: Jan 19 2010 By Maggie Barry
BRITAIN’S loneliest man was finally reunited with his wife yesterday - 30 days after she went off to buy the Christmas turkey.
John Ure was able to travel to Durness in Sutherland to pick up Kay and take her home.
And today, the couple will sit down to enjoy a very belated Christmas dinner.
John said: “I’m glad Kay’s back. It was the longest month of my life without her.
“Kay’s got her feet up with a nice glass of sherry. We will really enjoy Christmas dinner, even if it is a month late.”
The couple run Scotland’s most isolated restaurant, Café Ozone, in a lighthouse at Cape Wrath.
Kay, 56, left the cafe on December 19 to visit pals in Durness and to pick up a turkey in Inverness.
John had driven her 11 miles from the cafe to a jetty where their boat is moored. He then sailed her across the Kyle of Durness, where she picked up a minibus.
But when the heavy snow set in, John, 58, was unable to drive along to the jetty to fetch his wife on the return trip.
She spent Christmas in a caravan in Inverness. John spent it in the cafe with his six spaniels and a couple of walkers who popped in.
It was the couple’s first Christmas apart in 35 years.
Yesterday, the heavy layers of ice which had formed on the road to the jetty had finally thawed enough for John to make the trip.
And he said the renunion was worth waiting for.
John added: “It will be more like a second honeymoon than a late Christmas.
“We will exchange our Christmas gifts - but they are a secret.
“The best gift for me is having my wife back. It is probably our best ever Christmas.”
Friend Kevin Crowe, of the Loch Croispol Bookshop, in Durness, said: “We’re glad they’re enjoying their Christmas dinner at last. It must be one of the longest Christmas dinners on record.”
The road to the jetty entails a 1000ft climb known as the Wall of Death, which had become impassable. Once the snow stopped, six layers of ice set in.
John had made two previous attempts to get along the road.
The second one was at the weekend when he reported: “I drove a mile down the road on Friday before I came up against thick ice.”
The couple moved from Glasgow to Durness several years ago before moving further north to Cape Wrath.

Scotland is arguably the home of the best New Years Celebrations in the world. Indeed celebrations without the singing of Robert Burns’ Auld Lang Syne just wouldnt be right!

So - brush up on the words, read a bit more about the Hogmanay tradition, if you are going out to one of the fantastic outdoor events in the Loch Ness area or indeed anywhere in Scotland…  wrap up warm, have your loved ones close to your hearts and we wish you all a wonderful happy & healthy New Year.

 Auld Lang Syne: 1788

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne!

Chorus.-For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne.
We’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

And surely ye’ll be your pint stowp!
And surely I’ll be mine!
And we’ll tak a cup o’kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.
For auld, &c.

We twa hae run about the braes,
And pou’d the gowans fine;
But we’ve wander’d mony a weary fit,
Sin’ auld lang syne.
For auld, &c.

We twa hae paidl’d in the burn,
Frae morning sun till dine;
But seas between us braid hae roar’d
Sin’ auld lang syne.
For auld, &c.

And there’s a hand, my trusty fere!
And gie’s a hand o’ thine!
And we’ll tak a right gude-willie waught,
For auld lang syne.
For auld, &c.

Where did the word Hogmanay come from
Nobody knows for sure where the word “Hogmanay” came from. Opinions differ as to whether it originated from the Gaelic oge maidne (”New Morning”), Anglo-Saxon Haleg Monath (”Holy Month”), or Norman French word hoguinané, which was derived from the Old French anguillanneuf (”gift at New Year”). It’s also been suggested that it came from the French au gui mener (”lead to the mistletoe”) or a Flemish combo hoog (”high” or “great”), min (”love” or “affection”) and dag (”day”). Take your pick.

What are the origins of Hogmanay?
Hogmanay’s roots reach back to the anamistic practice of sun and fire worship in the deep mid-Winter. This evolved into the ancient Saturnalia, a great Roman Winter festival, where people celebrated completely free of restraint and inhibition. The Vikings celebrated Yule, which became the twelve days of christmas, or the “Daft Days” as they became known in Scotland. The Winter festival went underground with the Reformation and ensuing years, but re-emerged at the end of the 17th Century. Since then the customs have continued to evolve to the modern day.

What is the symbolism of fire at Hogmanay?
The flame and fire at Hogmanay symbolises many things. The bringing of the light of knowledge from one year to the next, lighting the way into the next uncharted century, putting behind you the darkness past, but carrying forward its sacred flame of hope and enlightenment to a better parish, and in this day, a new fresh year,burning away of the old to make space for the new.

What is First Footing?
Traditionally, it has been held that your new year will be a prosperous one if, at the strike of midnight, a “tall, dark stranger” appears at your door with a lump of coal for the fire, or a cake or coin. In exchange, you offered him food, wine or a wee dram of whisky, or the traditional Het Pint, which is a combination of ale, nutmeg and whisky. It’s been sugggested that the fear associated with blond strangers arose from the memory of blond-haired Viking’s raping and pillaging Scotland circa 4th to 12th centuries. What’s more likely to happen these days is that groups of friends or family get together and do a tour of each others’ houses. Each year, a household takes it in turn to provide a meal for the group. In many parts of Scotland gifts or “Hogmananys” are exchanged after the turn of midnight.

In my trawls of the web looking at all things Loch Ness, from time to time I come across a little gem - this is one of them.

I recall this man interviewing people at the Benleva Hotel, Drumnadrochit (where in reference to his small budget, the price of a pint & their malt of the month is surprisingly reasonable)  . I hope that his insurers aren’t reading as he’s let the cat (or the monster) out of the bag regarding the loss of his camera…. and we can only wonder what has become of Graham…

Cheers for the Giggle!

 That Guy: Nessie trip fails Loch, stock and whisky barrel
4:00AM Sunday Oct 11, 2009 - New Zealand Herald

As many of you are aware, I have been working on a groundbreaking TV show called Leigh Hart’s Mysterious Planet, in which I travel the world solving its greatest mysteries.

The programme is in post-production and is going very well. Bigfoot is already in the can, as is our in-depth investigation into the UFO crash at Roswell.

What follows are some excerpts from my director’s diary, taken while shooting the Loch Ness Monster episode in Scotland. They are brief notes but I think you can get an insight into what goes into a programme like this.

Day one: The Mysterious Planet team arrives at Loch Ness to begin investigation. Weather and conditions are perfect for “Nessie” hunting.

Day one (afternoon): “The Nessie Hunter” - our vessel for the investigation - has been double booked, meaning we are unable to get out on to the water until a primary school expedition from Inverness has finished using it. This won’t be until the following Thursday.

Day two: Another setback! An administrative error has meant that all our hi-tech sonar and underwater tracking equipment has accidentally been sent to the pyramids in Egypt; conversely all our sandrovers built specifically for the later Pyramids episode arrive on time at the shores of Loch Ness.

Day three: We meet Scottish cryptozoologist Graham Cosbee. He is to join the expedition as a consultant.

Days four to 11: Spent in local taverns interviewing witnesses. Some of this is productive but much of it isn’t and it could be argued that a couple of the crew went a little off the rails during this period.

We are forced to spend a good deal of the production budget on beer and Scots whisky to get people to talk to us. A cryptozoologist must have an open mind at all times, but it is very difficult to do this when you have a cracking hangover. We begin to see the first signs that everything is not well in Graham’s personal life. Graham is on the phone to his partner in Edinburgh, repeatedly trying to patch up his relationship. It is a well-known fact that cryptozoologists have a less than ideal track record on the marriage front, and Graham knew the risks when he got involved. Investigations that seldom ever get any results can take their toll on the cryptozoologist and those close to them. I try to reassure Graham that anything worthwhile is worth sticking with.

Day 12: Finally, we are able to get on to the Loch for the first time. George, our skipper, is very experienced and has seen the beast a number of times and he takes us to the hotspots.

That afternoon, another setback. One of our less experienced cameramen throws a $25,000 camera overboard, thinking that it is one of the waterproof models. It records for a few seconds but the footage is hardly worth the expense.

We spend the rest of the day coming up with a believable story to tell the insurance company.

Day 13: Graham’s relationship has taken a turn for the worse. His partner Jacinta is having a platonic relationship and, by the sounds, a very sexual one with an Edinburgh furniture upholsterer called Brian.

I waste a lot of valuable research time consoling Graham once he learns that Brian has moved into his house in Edinburgh. I convince him to stay with the team another couple of days.

Day 14: Nothing really happens.

Day 15: See above.

Day 16: Back out on the water at night, we dredge the water around the castle and snag something large! We eventually pull it aboard only to find it is a cable of some sort, so we cut it free, and by doing so accidentally cut off all the electricity to the south and west sides of the Loch.

Day 17: We interview legendary Loch Ness expert Adrian Shine. He adds a lot of much-needed credibility and factual information to the documentary.

Graham Cosbee, on the other hand, is unshaven and drinking heavily.

Day 22: After losing more hi-tech equipment overboard I catch the sonar team watching porn on the monitor designed to show images from the bottom of the Loch. It is a disappointing day all round.

Day 26: After a few more disaster-filled days I start to turn my focus to the Pyramids episode.

Day 27: Time to leave. While we are packing up the equipment and I am delivering my closing summary to camera, Graham Cosbee has a nervous breakdown and attacks me.

We escape in the Mysterious Planet rental car but not before Graham has thrown a tripod through the front windscreen.

We travel to Egypt.

 Hikers: eat bananas – but take your skins home

They take two years to biodegrade – and Scottish mountains are littered with them

(Taken from the Guardian)

I have climbed Ladhar Bheinn, one of Scotland’s finest peaks. The view was glorious. And I threw a banana skin at it. I have stood on the magnificent Aonach Eagach ridge and gazed down on Loch Achtriochtan. And I threw a banana skin at that, too.

In fact, there are few mountains in Scotland I haven’t thrown a banana skin on. Forget all those energy drinks: nothing gets you up a ben like a banana. What’s more, they come in handy biodegradable wrappers. So I’m practically doing the mountain a favour, feeding the eco-cycle of nature.

But apparently I’m not. The John Muir Trust, which protects many of Scotland’s wild places, has just given banana-skin chuckers a stern ticking off. The trust estimates that there are now 1,000 banana skins strewn across Ben Nevis. Walkers, it seems, don’t realise that it takes ages for a banana skin to degrade: two years, in fact.

This comes as a shock. I have tutted my way round the litter-strewn shores of Loch Lomond and chased Mars Bars wrappers grabbed by the wind. Now I find that I am part of a “significant minority, who are littering and spoiling the experience for everyone else”.

And it gets worse. According to Keep Scotland Beautiful, orange peel, another of my happily jettisoned waste products, is pretty bad too. Still, at least I’ve never left a glass bottle. They last 1 million years, apparently – though I wonder how they know.

A load of rot: how long your litter takes to biodegrade

Paper bag - 1 month

Apple core - 8 weeks

Orange peel and banana skins - 2 years

Cigarette end - 18 months to 500 years

Plastic bag - 10 to 20 years

A plastic bottle - 450 years

Chewing gum - 1 million years

From Keep Britain Tidy (keepbritaintidy,org)

I came across this piece in a local paper and it made me grin…

 Take a look in the mirror

MANY local guest house owners take the well-being of their guests seriously even when they are out and about.

One such lady is happy to discuss travel plans and give tips and advice on what to do and where to go to her many regular visitors. Even when her guests are independent and make their holiday arrangements without the benefit of her advice, she is solicitous on their return.

The remarks of one group who obviously do not subscribe to the philosophy of the poet Burns when he suggested that we try “to see oursels as ithers see us” has shaken her faith in some tourists’ grasp of reality.

The sheer crust of these people has left her speechless which in her case, it has to be said, is quite some feat.

When her guests returned from a day out she enquired, “What did you do today?”

They replied: “We went to Fort Augustus and Drumnadrochit.”

She responded: “That’s nice. Did you enjoy it?”

Their killer reply was: “Not really. They were full of tourists.”

Click HERE for source

You have got to love the fact that the web is abuzz with tweets about the NHS.

Like the Loch Ness Monster - the NHS is something that you either believe in or don’t, but the world would be a poorer place if the idea of it did not exist.

The offal truth

The Mirror: 4/08/2009

HAGGIS WAS ENGLISH, CRICKET IS BELGIAN AND PIZZA IS, ER, GREEK

It’s up there with the kilt, Rob Roy and the Loch Ness monster as one of the great Caledonian icons.

But now it appears the haggis was invented not by the Scots but by… the English.

Food historian Catherine Brown found references to the sheep’s innards-based dish in a 1615 recipe book, The English Hus-wife by Gervase Markham.

If it’s any consolation to our Scots readers, haggis is by no means the first national symbol to have its origins called into question.

LASAGNE

A medieval cookbook in the British Museum has a recipe for a dish of baked pasta and cheese called “loseyns”, prepared for Richard II in 1390.

CHICKEN TIKKA MASALA

It’s the most popular dish at Indian restaurants in Britain, but you won’t see it on a menu in India. The creamy curry was created in Scotland to cater for those who found Indian dishes too spicy.

STATUE OF LIBERTY

Made in France by sculptor Frédéric Auguste Bartholdi and presented to the USA in 1886 for the centennial of the Declaration of Independence. There is a smaller replica on the bank of the Seine in Paris.

CORNISH PASTY

Don’t mention it in Cornwall, but it turns out the first pasty may well have been baked in neighbouring Devon.

Historians found references to a pasty in records from Plymouth dated 1510.

The oldest pasty recipe found in Cornwall dates from 1746.

AUSSIE SLANG

Most of the words we think of as Australian were imported Down Under from the London slums of the 19th century. Strewth.

BADMINTON

Badminton is named after a Gloucestershire manor, where it was first played in 1873. But the earliest form was played in ancient Greece, and the Japanese had a similar game in the 16th century.

CRICKET

The most English of sports was probably invented in Belgium and introduced here by Belgian immigrants around the 14th century. Linguists say the word cricket has Flemish roots.

TULIPS

Along with clogs and Edam cheese, the tulip is one of the symbols of the Netherlands. But it only arrived there in the 16th century from what is now Turkey.

GOLF

Prof Ling Hongling of Lanzhou University says the Chinese were playing a golf-like game using 10 clubs 1,000 years ago. Which would put paid to Scotland’s claim to have invented the game.

FISH AND CHIPS

English travellers were introduced to battered fried fish in Spain in the 17th century. And chips were invented in Belgium around 1680. But the English probably invented the chip shop - Dickens refers to one in Oliver Twist.

PIZZA

In ancient Greece, bakers topped thin disks of bread with oils, spices, herbs and vegetables, to create a meal with an edible plate. The Italians were the first to add tomatoes, in the 18th century, and cheese, in the 19th, to create the pizza we know.

SPANISH FLU

The pandemic of 1918-19, which claimed 20 million lives, has been unfairly called Spanish Flu. The first cases were in the US and the rest of Europe but because Spain was a neutral country with no censorship of demoralising news, it was perceived to be suffering the most.

SPAGHETTI

In 2005 a 4,000year-old dish of preserved noodles was unearthed near the Yellow River in China. It means the Chinese were making noodles from flour at least 2,000 years before the practice emerged in Italy.

CUCKOO CLOCK

The first cuckoo clock was created in the Black Forest area of southern Germany. The Swiss are more associated with it because many of the German workshops were destroyed in the First and Second World Wars, and Swiss clockmakers took over the tradition.