In my trawls of the web looking at all things Loch Ness, from time to time I come across a little gem – this is one of them.

I recall this man interviewing people at the Benleva Hotel, Drumnadrochit (where in reference to his small budget, the price of a pint & their malt of the month is surprisingly reasonable)  . I hope that his insurers aren’t reading as he’s let the cat (or the monster) out of the bag regarding the loss of his camera…. and we can only wonder what has become of Graham…

Cheers for the Giggle!

 That Guy: Nessie trip fails Loch, stock and whisky barrel
4:00AM Sunday Oct 11, 2009 – New Zealand Herald

As many of you are aware, I have been working on a groundbreaking TV show called Leigh Hart’s Mysterious Planet, in which I travel the world solving its greatest mysteries.

The programme is in post-production and is going very well. Bigfoot is already in the can, as is our in-depth investigation into the UFO crash at Roswell.

What follows are some excerpts from my director’s diary, taken while shooting the Loch Ness Monster episode in Scotland. They are brief notes but I think you can get an insight into what goes into a programme like this.

Day one: The Mysterious Planet team arrives at Loch Ness to begin investigation. Weather and conditions are perfect for “Nessie” hunting.

Day one (afternoon): “The Nessie Hunter” – our vessel for the investigation – has been double booked, meaning we are unable to get out on to the water until a primary school expedition from Inverness has finished using it. This won’t be until the following Thursday.

Day two: Another setback! An administrative error has meant that all our hi-tech sonar and underwater tracking equipment has accidentally been sent to the pyramids in Egypt; conversely all our sandrovers built specifically for the later Pyramids episode arrive on time at the shores of Loch Ness.

Day three: We meet Scottish cryptozoologist Graham Cosbee. He is to join the expedition as a consultant.

Days four to 11: Spent in local taverns interviewing witnesses. Some of this is productive but much of it isn’t and it could be argued that a couple of the crew went a little off the rails during this period.

We are forced to spend a good deal of the production budget on beer and Scots whisky to get people to talk to us. A cryptozoologist must have an open mind at all times, but it is very difficult to do this when you have a cracking hangover. We begin to see the first signs that everything is not well in Graham’s personal life. Graham is on the phone to his partner in Edinburgh, repeatedly trying to patch up his relationship. It is a well-known fact that cryptozoologists have a less than ideal track record on the marriage front, and Graham knew the risks when he got involved. Investigations that seldom ever get any results can take their toll on the cryptozoologist and those close to them. I try to reassure Graham that anything worthwhile is worth sticking with.

Day 12: Finally, we are able to get on to the Loch for the first time. George, our skipper, is very experienced and has seen the beast a number of times and he takes us to the hotspots.

That afternoon, another setback. One of our less experienced cameramen throws a $25,000 camera overboard, thinking that it is one of the waterproof models. It records for a few seconds but the footage is hardly worth the expense.

We spend the rest of the day coming up with a believable story to tell the insurance company.

Day 13: Graham’s relationship has taken a turn for the worse. His partner Jacinta is having a platonic relationship and, by the sounds, a very sexual one with an Edinburgh furniture upholsterer called Brian.

I waste a lot of valuable research time consoling Graham once he learns that Brian has moved into his house in Edinburgh. I convince him to stay with the team another couple of days.

Day 14: Nothing really happens.

Day 15: See above.

Day 16: Back out on the water at night, we dredge the water around the castle and snag something large! We eventually pull it aboard only to find it is a cable of some sort, so we cut it free, and by doing so accidentally cut off all the electricity to the south and west sides of the Loch.

Day 17: We interview legendary Loch Ness expert Adrian Shine. He adds a lot of much-needed credibility and factual information to the documentary.

Graham Cosbee, on the other hand, is unshaven and drinking heavily.

Day 22: After losing more hi-tech equipment overboard I catch the sonar team watching porn on the monitor designed to show images from the bottom of the Loch. It is a disappointing day all round.

Day 26: After a few more disaster-filled days I start to turn my focus to the Pyramids episode.

Day 27: Time to leave. While we are packing up the equipment and I am delivering my closing summary to camera, Graham Cosbee has a nervous breakdown and attacks me.

We escape in the Mysterious Planet rental car but not before Graham has thrown a tripod through the front windscreen.

We travel to Egypt.

 Hikers: eat bananas – but take your skins home

They take two years to biodegrade – and Scottish mountains are littered with them

(Taken from the Guardian)

I have climbed Ladhar Bheinn, one of Scotland’s finest peaks. The view was glorious. And I threw a banana skin at it. I have stood on the magnificent Aonach Eagach ridge and gazed down on Loch Achtriochtan. And I threw a banana skin at that, too.

In fact, there are few mountains in Scotland I haven’t thrown a banana skin on. Forget all those energy drinks: nothing gets you up a ben like a banana. What’s more, they come in handy biodegradable wrappers. So I’m practically doing the mountain a favour, feeding the eco-cycle of nature.

But apparently I’m not. The John Muir Trust, which protects many of Scotland’s wild places, has just given banana-skin chuckers a stern ticking off. The trust estimates that there are now 1,000 banana skins strewn across Ben Nevis. Walkers, it seems, don’t realise that it takes ages for a banana skin to degrade: two years, in fact.

This comes as a shock. I have tutted my way round the litter-strewn shores of Loch Lomond and chased Mars Bars wrappers grabbed by the wind. Now I find that I am part of a “significant minority, who are littering and spoiling the experience for everyone else”.

And it gets worse. According to Keep Scotland Beautiful, orange peel, another of my happily jettisoned waste products, is pretty bad too. Still, at least I’ve never left a glass bottle. They last 1 million years, apparently – though I wonder how they know.

A load of rot: how long your litter takes to biodegrade

Paper bag – 1 month

Apple core – 8 weeks

Orange peel and banana skins – 2 years

Cigarette end – 18 months to 500 years

Plastic bag – 10 to 20 years

A plastic bottle – 450 years

Chewing gum – 1 million years

From Keep Britain Tidy (keepbritaintidy,org)