Ps - I’m quietly pleased with my Loch, Scotch and 2 Steaming Haggis phrase - it started out as a typo but now I’m considering selling it off as a working title for a film about the adventures that Robert Burns would have if he had be transported into the Eastend Gangland of the 1980s….Move Over Guy Ritchie and Vinnie Jones- the Bard is here!

Now back to reality - all you need to know about planning your own Burns supper - January 25th.

The Burns Supper is an institution of Scottish life: a night to celebrate the life and works of the national Bard. Suppers can range from an informal gathering of friends to a huge, formal dinner full of pomp and circumstance. This running order covers all the key elements you need to plan and structure a Burns Supper that suits your intentions.

• Piping in the guests

  A big-time Burns Night calls for a piper to welcome guests. If you don’t want all that baggage, some traditional music will do nicely. For more formal events, the audience should stand to welcome arriving guests: the piper plays until the high table is ready to be seated, at which point a round of applause is due. At a more egalitarian gathering - with no high table - the chair can simply bang on the table to draw attention to the start of the evening’s proceedings.

• Chairman’s welcome

  The Chair (host/organiser) warmly welcomes and introduces the assembled guests and the evening’s entertainment.

• The Selkirk Grace

  A short but important prayer read to usher in the meal, The Selkirk Grace is also known as Burns’s Grace at Kirkcudbright. Although the text is often printed in English, it is usually recited in Scots.

  Some hae meat and canna eat,
  And some wad eat that want it,
  But we hae meat and we can eat,
  And sae the Lord be thankit.

• Piping in the haggis

  Guests should normally stand to welcome the dinner’s star attraction, which should be delivered on a silver platter by a procession comprising the chef, the piper and the person who will address the Haggis. A whisky-bearer should also arrive to ensure the toasts are well lubricated.

  During the procession, guests clap in time to the music until the Haggis reaches its destination at the table. The music stops and everyone is seated in anticipation of the address To a Haggis.

• Address to the haggis

  The honoured reader now seizes their moment of glory by offering a fluent and entertaining rendition of To a Haggis. The reader should have his knife poised at the ready. On cue (His knife see Rustic-labour dight), he cuts the casing along its length, making sure to spill out some of the tasty gore within (trenching its gushing entrails).

  Warning: it is wise to have a small cut made in the haggis skin before it is piped in. Instances are recorded of top table guests being scalded by flying pieces of haggis when enthusiastic reciters omitted this precaution! Alternatively, the distribution of bits of haggis about the assembled company is regarded in some quarters as a part of the fun…

  The recital ends with the reader raising the haggis in triumph during the final line Gie her a haggis!, which the guests greet with rapturous applause.

• Toast to the haggis

  Prompted by the speaker, the audience now joins in the toast to the haggis. Raise a glass and shout: The haggis! Then it’s time to serve the main course with its traditional companions, neeps and tatties. In larger events, the piper leads a procession carrying the opened haggis out to the kitchen for serving; audience members should clap as the procession departs.

• The meal

  Served with some suitable background music, the sumptuous Bill o’ Fare includes:-

  • Starter

    Traditional cock-a-leekie soup;

  • Main course

    Haggis, neeps & tatties (Haggis wi’ bashit neeps an’ champit tatties);

  • Sweet

    Clootie Dumpling (a pudding prepared in a linen cloth or cloot) or Typsy Laird (a Scottish sherry trifle);

  • Cheeseboard with bannocks (oatcakes) and tea/coffee.

  Variations do exist: beef lovers can serve the haggis, neeps & tatties as a starter with roast beef or steak pie as the main dish. Vegetarians can of course choose vegetarian haggis, while pescatarians could opt for a seafood main course such as Cullen Skink.

• The drink

  Liberal lashings of wine or ale should be served with dinner and it’s often customary to douse the haggis with a splash of whisky sauce, which, with true Scots understatement, is neat whisky.

  After the meal, it’s time for connoisseurs to compare notes on the wonderful selection of malts served by the generous chair.

• The first entertainment

  The nervous first entertainer follows immediately after the meal. Often it will be a singer or musician performing Burns songs such as:-

  • My Luve is Like a Red Red Rose;
  • Rantin’, Rovin’ Robin;
  • John Anderson, my jo; or
  • Ae Fond Kiss, and Then We Sever.

  Alternatively it could be a moving recital of a Burns poem, with perennial preference for:-

  • Tam o’ Shanter;
  • Holy Willie’s Prayer;
  • To a Louse;
  • Address to the Unco Guid; or
  • For a’ that and a’ that.

• The immortal memory

  The keynote speaker takes the stage to deliver a spell-binding oratoration on the life of Robert Burns: his literary genius, his politics, his highs and lows, his human frailty and - most importantly - his nationalism. The speech must bridge the dangerous chasm between serious intent and sparkling wit, painting a colourful picture of Scotland’s beloved Bard.

  The speaker concludes with a heart-felt toast: To the Immortal Memory of Robert Burns!

• The second entertainment

  The chair introduces more celebration of Burns’ work, preferably a poem or song to complement the earlier entertainment.

• Toast to the Lassies

  The humorous highlight of any Burns Night comes in this toast, which is designed to praise the role of women in the world today. This should be done by selective quotation from Burns’s works and should build towards a positive note. Particular reference to those present makes for a more meaningful toast.

  The toast concludes: To the Lassies!

• The final entertainment

  The final course of the evening’s entertainment comprises more Burns readings.

• Reply to the Toast to the Lassies

  Revenge for the women present as they get their chance to reply.

• Vote of thanks

  The chair now climbs to his potentially unsteady feet to thank everyone who has contributed to a wonderful evening and to suggest that taxis will arrive shortly.

• Auld Lang Syne

  The chair closes the proceedings by inviting guests to stand and belt out a rousing rendition of Auld Lang Syne. The company joins hands and sings as one, having made sure to brush up on those difficult later lines.

Optional extras

These can slot into any part of the evening.

• Lost Burns manuscripts

  Some Burns Night suppers include a lost manuscript reading, where a participant with literary aspirations recites from a fictitious long-lost musing of the great man on a new subject.

• Quizzes and/or recitation competitions

  Involving the guests - instead of having them sit passively - is key to a fun and successful Burns night. Make up your own activities for best effect.

Couple separated over Christmas by snow finally reunited after 30 days
Daily Record: Jan 19 2010 By Maggie Barry
BRITAIN’S loneliest man was finally reunited with his wife yesterday - 30 days after she went off to buy the Christmas turkey.
John Ure was able to travel to Durness in Sutherland to pick up Kay and take her home.
And today, the couple will sit down to enjoy a very belated Christmas dinner.
John said: “I’m glad Kay’s back. It was the longest month of my life without her.
“Kay’s got her feet up with a nice glass of sherry. We will really enjoy Christmas dinner, even if it is a month late.”
The couple run Scotland’s most isolated restaurant, Café Ozone, in a lighthouse at Cape Wrath.
Kay, 56, left the cafe on December 19 to visit pals in Durness and to pick up a turkey in Inverness.
John had driven her 11 miles from the cafe to a jetty where their boat is moored. He then sailed her across the Kyle of Durness, where she picked up a minibus.
But when the heavy snow set in, John, 58, was unable to drive along to the jetty to fetch his wife on the return trip.
She spent Christmas in a caravan in Inverness. John spent it in the cafe with his six spaniels and a couple of walkers who popped in.
It was the couple’s first Christmas apart in 35 years.
Yesterday, the heavy layers of ice which had formed on the road to the jetty had finally thawed enough for John to make the trip.
And he said the renunion was worth waiting for.
John added: “It will be more like a second honeymoon than a late Christmas.
“We will exchange our Christmas gifts - but they are a secret.
“The best gift for me is having my wife back. It is probably our best ever Christmas.”
Friend Kevin Crowe, of the Loch Croispol Bookshop, in Durness, said: “We’re glad they’re enjoying their Christmas dinner at last. It must be one of the longest Christmas dinners on record.”
The road to the jetty entails a 1000ft climb known as the Wall of Death, which had become impassable. Once the snow stopped, six layers of ice set in.
John had made two previous attempts to get along the road.
The second one was at the weekend when he reported: “I drove a mile down the road on Friday before I came up against thick ice.”
The couple moved from Glasgow to Durness several years ago before moving further north to Cape Wrath.

So - brush up on the words, read a bit more about the Hogmanay tradition, if you are going out to one of the fantastic outdoor events in the Loch Ness area or indeed anywhere in Scotland…  wrap up warm, have your loved ones close to your hearts and we wish you all a wonderful happy & healthy New Year.

 Auld Lang Syne: 1788

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne!

Chorus.-For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne.
We’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

And surely ye’ll be your pint stowp!
And surely I’ll be mine!
And we’ll tak a cup o’kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.
For auld, &c.

We twa hae run about the braes,
And pou’d the gowans fine;
But we’ve wander’d mony a weary fit,
Sin’ auld lang syne.
For auld, &c.

We twa hae paidl’d in the burn,
Frae morning sun till dine;
But seas between us braid hae roar’d
Sin’ auld lang syne.
For auld, &c.

And there’s a hand, my trusty fere!
And gie’s a hand o’ thine!
And we’ll tak a right gude-willie waught,
For auld lang syne.
For auld, &c.

Where did the word Hogmanay come from
Nobody knows for sure where the word “Hogmanay” came from. Opinions differ as to whether it originated from the Gaelic oge maidne (”New Morning”), Anglo-Saxon Haleg Monath (”Holy Month”), or Norman French word hoguinané, which was derived from the Old French anguillanneuf (”gift at New Year”). It’s also been suggested that it came from the French au gui mener (”lead to the mistletoe”) or a Flemish combo hoog (”high” or “great”), min (”love” or “affection”) and dag (”day”). Take your pick.

What are the origins of Hogmanay?
Hogmanay’s roots reach back to the anamistic practice of sun and fire worship in the deep mid-Winter. This evolved into the ancient Saturnalia, a great Roman Winter festival, where people celebrated completely free of restraint and inhibition. The Vikings celebrated Yule, which became the twelve days of christmas, or the “Daft Days” as they became known in Scotland. The Winter festival went underground with the Reformation and ensuing years, but re-emerged at the end of the 17th Century. Since then the customs have continued to evolve to the modern day.

What is the symbolism of fire at Hogmanay?
The flame and fire at Hogmanay symbolises many things. The bringing of the light of knowledge from one year to the next, lighting the way into the next uncharted century, putting behind you the darkness past, but carrying forward its sacred flame of hope and enlightenment to a better parish, and in this day, a new fresh year,burning away of the old to make space for the new.

What is First Footing?
Traditionally, it has been held that your new year will be a prosperous one if, at the strike of midnight, a “tall, dark stranger” appears at your door with a lump of coal for the fire, or a cake or coin. In exchange, you offered him food, wine or a wee dram of whisky, or the traditional Het Pint, which is a combination of ale, nutmeg and whisky. It’s been sugggested that the fear associated with blond strangers arose from the memory of blond-haired Viking’s raping and pillaging Scotland circa 4th to 12th centuries. What’s more likely to happen these days is that groups of friends or family get together and do a tour of each others’ houses. Each year, a household takes it in turn to provide a meal for the group. In many parts of Scotland gifts or “Hogmananys” are exchanged after the turn of midnight.

My final blog in the series,  (Sad smiley face here )

I am writing this from Tasmania on the northern coast at a bonnie little place called Kayena  - fabulous wildlife and view over the  Tamar river.  We have seen some fantastic  sights here in Tassie and today spent 3 hours in the treetops hurtling along zip wires at the Holly Bank Treetop Adventures. Also, we’ve made good use of the free barbecues they have at every picnic site, and there are lots of those. You just push a button and the Barbie sparks up - you throw your grub on the stainless steel  grill and, in no time at all, you have a great feast ready.

I have some great ideas for when I get home to Loch Ness.  We could do lots of things to improve visitor facilities in our popular beauty spots.  They also have a scheme here called “work for dole”  - can you guess what that is?  Anyway, these guys are out doing litter pick-ups, even on  quiet side roads,  they tend public places repairing footpaths, painting  fences,  building boardwalks and so on.  

It is odd to think that here we are seeing spring in all its glory, apple blossom, bluebells in flower, days getting longer and warmer, while at home in Scotland, I imagine by now, a riot of reds and golds of autumn as day length gets shorter and days get colder. Both are beautiful in their own way. We find comfort in the thought of a white Christmas, plum puddings and turkey,  just as Aussies look forward to Christmas dinner on the beach!!  We, being Brits, wouldn’t miss our white Christmas for anything and plan to get home to Loch Ness before the festivities begin.

91  Run over the Fair Haired Lads Pass on south Loch Ness

92  See the work of local artists at Beauly Gallery & Kirk Coffee Shop

93  Go clay pigeon shooting with Loch Ness Gun Club

94  Have a picnic on the banks of the River Fechlin at Dalcrag

95  View Urquhart Castle from across the water at the Change House lay by

96  Visit the Iceberg glassblowing studio at Fort Augustus

97   Take the kids ‘weaseling’

98  Check out the Craigmonie Centre, Drumnadrochit for music and much much more

99  Simply chill out and relax… you are on holiday at Loch Ness!!

100  your suggestions please.  E mail info@visitlochness.com

What strikes me, is the number of well made and signposted wild trails there are here, all with well fenced viewpoints and interpretation boards at every viewpoint ! We did an excellent cliff top walk on the Tasman peninsular and saw families with children and grannies enjoying the beautiful scenery. We were able to take the car close to the viewpoints and the trails were good enough for wheelchair users. These trails stretch for miles not just metres ! We walked 10 miles and saw truly wild kangaroos and sea eagles close up in what seems like pristine forest. We even found a half mile cliff top boardwalk designed with wheelchair users in mind, excellent to watch Gannets diving into the sea hundreds oof feet below.

There are those in Scotland who say we should keep all the trails wild and unchanged but that’s OK if you are fit and able to wade knee deep through bog and heather but for all those people who either can’t do that or don’t want to do that, this is not an option. The Forestry Commission, plus others, need to do much more to make some of the wild places in certain popular spots, more accessible to the majority of people who don’t want to have to dress up in heavy boots and take survival blankets in order to get close to nature.

In New Zealand also, they put eco loos in almost all country car parks - something I have yet to see anywhere in Scotland. Somehow, it always seems to come down to money, or lack of it. How then do all these other countries manage to do so well in providing toilets, interpretation boards and well made dry paths for walking in their wild places?
Scotland has some of the finest wilderness and a great network of roads to give access to even the remotest parts. Wouldn’t it be just great to see many more places where you can  get out of the car and walk as a family - granny, wheelchair and all. Destination Loch Ness has started to address this by creating long distance paths around Loch Ness for the enjoyment of everyone.

One personal wish I have, is for a walk at the top of the Cairngorms funicular railway where it seems ludicrous to corral people in the visitor centre at the top, denying all access to the glorious plateau. If a well constructed short walk was made that allowed people to get out in the fresh air without damage to the fragile habitat, it would then be a thing of the past to hear all the complaints from travellers on the way down, who feel they have been cheated.

81 to 90 series featuring 10 ideas a week from Visit Loch Ness

81. Find the ‘totem’ poles at Abriachan Woods
82. Visit the historic Beauly Priory
83. Take a walk in the ancient oak woodlands at Bona
84. Find the ‘secret loch’ at Inverfarigaig
85.  Buy your favourite whisky at the Whisky Shop, Drumnadrochit
86. Cruise on Loch Ness from Fort Augustus
87. Walk to the Upper Falls at Foyers
88. Step back in time at the Kettle Hole Lochans, Littlemill Wood, Inverarnie
89. Photograph the water lilies on Loch Bran
90.  Drive up Glen Affric ‘ the most beautiful glen in Scotland’ as far as the road goes

I recall this man interviewing people at the Benleva Hotel, Drumnadrochit (where in reference to his small budget, the price of a pint & their malt of the month is surprisingly reasonable)  . I hope that his insurers aren’t reading as he’s let the cat (or the monster) out of the bag regarding the loss of his camera…. and we can only wonder what has become of Graham…

Cheers for the Giggle!

 That Guy: Nessie trip fails Loch, stock and whisky barrel
4:00AM Sunday Oct 11, 2009 - New Zealand Herald

As many of you are aware, I have been working on a groundbreaking TV show called Leigh Hart’s Mysterious Planet, in which I travel the world solving its greatest mysteries.

The programme is in post-production and is going very well. Bigfoot is already in the can, as is our in-depth investigation into the UFO crash at Roswell.

What follows are some excerpts from my director’s diary, taken while shooting the Loch Ness Monster episode in Scotland. They are brief notes but I think you can get an insight into what goes into a programme like this.

Day one: The Mysterious Planet team arrives at Loch Ness to begin investigation. Weather and conditions are perfect for “Nessie” hunting.

Day one (afternoon): “The Nessie Hunter” - our vessel for the investigation - has been double booked, meaning we are unable to get out on to the water until a primary school expedition from Inverness has finished using it. This won’t be until the following Thursday.

Day two: Another setback! An administrative error has meant that all our hi-tech sonar and underwater tracking equipment has accidentally been sent to the pyramids in Egypt; conversely all our sandrovers built specifically for the later Pyramids episode arrive on time at the shores of Loch Ness.

Day three: We meet Scottish cryptozoologist Graham Cosbee. He is to join the expedition as a consultant.

Days four to 11: Spent in local taverns interviewing witnesses. Some of this is productive but much of it isn’t and it could be argued that a couple of the crew went a little off the rails during this period.

We are forced to spend a good deal of the production budget on beer and Scots whisky to get people to talk to us. A cryptozoologist must have an open mind at all times, but it is very difficult to do this when you have a cracking hangover. We begin to see the first signs that everything is not well in Graham’s personal life. Graham is on the phone to his partner in Edinburgh, repeatedly trying to patch up his relationship. It is a well-known fact that cryptozoologists have a less than ideal track record on the marriage front, and Graham knew the risks when he got involved. Investigations that seldom ever get any results can take their toll on the cryptozoologist and those close to them. I try to reassure Graham that anything worthwhile is worth sticking with.

Day 12: Finally, we are able to get on to the Loch for the first time. George, our skipper, is very experienced and has seen the beast a number of times and he takes us to the hotspots.

That afternoon, another setback. One of our less experienced cameramen throws a $25,000 camera overboard, thinking that it is one of the waterproof models. It records for a few seconds but the footage is hardly worth the expense.

We spend the rest of the day coming up with a believable story to tell the insurance company.

Day 13: Graham’s relationship has taken a turn for the worse. His partner Jacinta is having a platonic relationship and, by the sounds, a very sexual one with an Edinburgh furniture upholsterer called Brian.

I waste a lot of valuable research time consoling Graham once he learns that Brian has moved into his house in Edinburgh. I convince him to stay with the team another couple of days.

Day 14: Nothing really happens.

Day 15: See above.

Day 16: Back out on the water at night, we dredge the water around the castle and snag something large! We eventually pull it aboard only to find it is a cable of some sort, so we cut it free, and by doing so accidentally cut off all the electricity to the south and west sides of the Loch.

Day 17: We interview legendary Loch Ness expert Adrian Shine. He adds a lot of much-needed credibility and factual information to the documentary.

Graham Cosbee, on the other hand, is unshaven and drinking heavily.

Day 22: After losing more hi-tech equipment overboard I catch the sonar team watching porn on the monitor designed to show images from the bottom of the Loch. It is a disappointing day all round.

Day 26: After a few more disaster-filled days I start to turn my focus to the Pyramids episode.

Day 27: Time to leave. While we are packing up the equipment and I am delivering my closing summary to camera, Graham Cosbee has a nervous breakdown and attacks me.

We escape in the Mysterious Planet rental car but not before Graham has thrown a tripod through the front windscreen.

We travel to Egypt.

100-Climb the path to Battery Rock and enjoy the view overlooking Ft.
Augustus and Lochness
101- Walk the forest path from Ft. Augustus to Invermoriston, starting at Jenkins Park.
102- Bike the forest trail from The Inch in Ft. Augustus to Invermoriston
103- Enjoy the “Malt whiskey of the month” at the Inchnacardoch Hotel bar

Thanks Joe!

If YOU have a favorite thing to do in the Loch Ness area, just email info@visitlochness.com with your suggestions!

Posting today from the Mercure Grosvenor Hotel, Adelaide – we booked a double room with a king sized bed but got a queen sized bed and a room which has just one small hanging space and 1 bedside table! I have never given this much thought until now, when we relax with a cuppa in bed, as you do when on hols (grin) -  nowhere for one of us to put their cuppa down, grr ! - have you ever tried getting into bed with a cup of tea in your hand?? Then the lack of hanging space and NO drawers in the room at all, means that for 4 days we have to live out of our suitcase. This is most definitely not how to run a hotel of this price -  even the Travel lodge at Heathrow was better equipped and a fraction of the price. It makes me appreciate the reason why Visitlochness.com members all have to be committed to the Visit Scotland Quality Assurance scheme, which I am sure wouldn’t give a very good grade to this hotel at all.

From my own experience of self catering, we wouldn’t dream of having a double bed with just one bedside table and lamp. I know we would be downgraded if we even tried to do it. So I say thank goodness we have a scheme in Scotland to ensure good standards of accommodation that I know all our members do their best to continually improve, so that our visitors know what to expect from their accommodation, whatever grade they choose.

Next ten great ideas for things to do at Loch Ness.     

71. Photograph Cherry Island, the only island in Loch Ness
72. Find out about wildlife and plants on a Highland Council guided Ranger walk
73. Visit the ancient remains of Corrimony Cairn
74. Enjoy a pint at the Whitebridge Hotel
75. View Loch Ness from the Wellington lay by
76. Wild walk in the Monadhliath Mountains
77. Visit Kilmorack Art Gallery
78. Get your picture taken with Nessie at Fort Augustus
79. Walk down by the River Moriston to St Columba’s Well
80.  Visit the Clansman Centre, Fort Augustus

Check back next Friday for our next 10 Loch Ness ideas form Tasmania.